Parenting ... OMG!!

Parenting and teaching have one very common trait. When taking classes to prepare to become a teacher, I read about different practices and theories about methods of instruction and classroom management; however, once I was thrust into the front of the classroom and the door was shut, very little of that stuff I read was applicable. It was survival and honestly, it took me I would say 8 years to reach a level of comfort in the classroom that allows me to do my job at the highest level.

Well, parenting is no different. My wife and I read books about parenting leading up to the birth of our first child, in addition to soliciting advice from countless friends who had children recently. And while we did gather some information that has proven to be helpful, much of the time when a situation arises, my wife look at teach other with shoulders shrugged and ask each other, "Any suggestions?"

So I got to thinking ... what information is the MOST essential information for a parenting manual? Here are my answers, learned primarily from trial by fire:

THE EARLY YEARS

Make sure you become a master swaddler. When a newborn is wrapped up tight and snug, he is most happy. We called this "burritoing" in our house.

When changing the diaper of a little boy, ALWAYS keep his thingy covered with a diaper or rag when cleaning him up. One golden shower will remind you of this quickly.

Fathers, your primary responsibility is to take care of mommy so that mommy can take care of the baby. Sometimes, obviously, that will involve you taking care of the baby so that mommy can have some time to regain her sanity. Remember, if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Routine = Some Semblance of Harmony. No Routine = Chaos. Develop a routine.

Never wake a sleeping baby unless it SEVERELY alters the routine.

If someone you trust offers to babysit while you can possibly get away for an afternoon or night, do not think about it ... accept.

Babies turn out perfectly fine even if you do not breast feed.

If your baby is crying, it is either: A. hungry B. tired C. soiled or D. gassy. There are no other reasons.

Fear the "big eye", that is, late at night when you are PRAYING for your child to go to sleep and he looks at you with eyes that say, "I am WIDE awake."

Here is a formula to calculate departure times when taking kids with you. Add 15 minutes per child to account for sudden diaper changes, for checking and rechecking the things you must take with you to deal with him, and for turning around and going back home once you realize you forgot most of your own personal belongings.

Your world will NEVER be the same once your child gets mobile. You'll realize the first 6-9 months were a piece of cake once they can move around.

Everything they can grab goes to the mouth. Be very careful what you leave within reach.

Unless you want to continuously make quick decisions on the fly without much forethought (which often leads to chaos), schedule regular strategy sessions with mommy to try and foresee situations and have a plan. Because fathers, we men are wired differently than women and our quick decisions often do not meet the approval of mommy. And if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

THE TODDLER YEARS

Unless you want to continuously make quick decisions on the fly without much forethought (which often leads to chaos), schedule regular strategy sessions with mommy to try and foresee situations and have a plan. (Just go ahead and cut and paste this forever forward).

Keep the toilet closed at all times unless you want to find your cell phone in there.

If you have an older pet that is in its older, chillin' out years, it will become the victim of much torture from your toddler.

Despite the presence of countless toys, he will be much more interesting things like the empty paper towel roll, the remote control, the pots and pans in the kitchen cabinets, and any knob that can be turned.

Speaking of the remote, if you are not technologically savvy, do not leave your remote out unless you want to spend hours trying to undo the problem your toddler caused by pressing random buttons.

I highly suggest doing whatever is necessary for preventing your toddler from sleeping in your bed regularly, because once established, this will not go away anytime soon.

Fast food restaurants with no playground = no business. You will REALLY learn to appreciate Chick-Fil-A if you have one near.

Take toddlers out to sit-down restaurants at your own risk. Make sure you have something to entertain them from the moment you sit down (crayons to color with, crackers to munch on ...). When ordering, always ask for the waiter to bring their food the moment it is ready. Keep fragile plates out of reach.

If someone you trust offers to babysit while you can possibly get away for an afternoon or night, do not think about it ... accept.

Potty-training ... OMG!! You will resort to the lowest forms of bribery. Make sure you have a big celebration once that task is considered done.

Watch the four-letter expletives, even when you step on that matchbox car for the gazillionth time, unless you want them repeated by your toddler.

It would not be a bad idea to consider replacing all walls in your house with dry-erase boarding and have nothing but dry-erase markers around the house.

Spend as little money as possible on furniture and household furnishings because it will either get permanently stained or broken soon.

Unless you want you want the whole house to be the kids' playhouse, set aside one room, no matter which room it is, as a kids playroom.

Fathers, accept the fact that you should sit through a few performances of Sesame Street Live, Disney Live or the pre-school holiday performance for the benefit of your child. Missed the big game as a result? That is why there are Blackberries, TiVo and Sports Center.

I'm sure as I continue to reflect on these years, I will come up with more entries and post the 2nd, 3rd, ... editions of this manual. Plus as our children get older, this manual will expand to older years. But this should be a good starting point for now. Enjoy.

Peace.